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Tuesday, 21 January 2014

One of the Boys

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I think you lot will appreciate this advert for Schneider Beer; it’s a classic take on the theme “Men Behaving Badly”… as you do.

There are certain behaviours that us woman accept as a given when it comes to the male contingent… Here’s the fact sheet for you:

You ARE going to watch sports and we ARE going to have to sit next to you and take some kind of an interest in what’s going on. I’ve gone from someone who only flicks to SuperSport to watch cricket as a sleep aid to a die-hard Arsenal fan and loyal Sharks supporter. My resistance to golf and cricket is unfortunately impenetrable.

You ARE going to say that Jessica Alba (Or whoever it is you gawk over) is hot. Hot is a word I don’t want coming out of my boyfriend’s mouth unless it describes me, but it’s gonna. And even though I maintain that my admiration for Channing Tatum comes from a respect for his acting abilities, I think we all know it’s because he’s very. very. hot.

You ARE going to blunder a compliment so that it sounds a lot like an insult:
“I love the way you don’t care about how you look.”
Hmmmm. Unforgivable this is not, but definitely worthy of an eye roll.

But today is not about the things that I have come to accept as part of your man-ness, today is about the irks I refuse to accept as OK. I’m on my knees boys – not doing that other thing you love, but pleading with you.

1. I am not a maid (unless you ask nicely), and neither are you. But it’d be swell if you could do the basics of home hygiene like taking your plate to the kitchen, (NB!) scraping the leftovers in the bin (NB!), and popping it by the sink. No washing involved!

I’ll never understand why it is that you want me to see the trail of shit you leave in the toilet, nor will I understand why you are ok that I clean it. There’s a brush next to the toilet, just pick it up give it a whirl around the bowl and ta dah! Everyone is happy. I literally see you as a siff uncultured beast when this happens. You are mank. That’s not hot.

2. Please be on my side, always. Know how many times I’ve almost taken off my earrings and shoes to defend your shit trail leaving ass? Many. So when your mom says my top’s too low cut, or your mate thinks I’m being ridiculous because I don’t want to stick around for that 18th game of pool at 3 am on a weeknight… give your girl some props. You love them low cut tops, and I’ve never made you stay up ‘til 3 am watching Dr Phil.

3. Run shit by me man… running 4 hours late? Just a little text that lets me know you haven’t been initiated into the Crips gang would be nice. Also I don’t have to eat dinner alone gnawing through my fingers as I call hospitals.

Let me know if we have a birthday, braai or wedding that you’ve said yes to – girls need time to plan social calendars, outfits, presents etc. And if you’ve said no and made up some lie excuse, I’m gonna need all those details, and preferably a character history so we can get our stories straight.

4. No snooping has always been my policy. I know some of my people are guilty of this but eh, I figure if you don’t want me to see then I most certainly don’t want to see either. This goes for diaries, FB profiles, phones, sneaky porn hiding spots - alles. In saying that, don’t be a retard and tweet some flirty message to a half-naked girl on your Twitter feed called Lady Fuck-a-licious. Are you serious? Don’t send a message like that at ALL. Even though at the very bottom of my heart I know it’s most likely just a side effect of needing to feed your ego, it doesn’t stop me from getting mad and wanting to retaliate, out of the public eye. I. Have. An. Ego. Too. Stupid.

4i. I’ve labelled this one as a sub-category because really it’s under the same dumb umbrella. I’m not going to harp on too much but flirting with other girls, sometimes right in front of us, is kick starting your very own shit storm. Just to clarify: Tickling another girl is flirting. Asking another girl what her favourite drink is when she isn’t my mate (fuck it, even if she is) and you aren’t taking orders for a bar run, is flirting. If a girl sits on your lap and you don’t immediately jump up to… (insert any activity in the world here) it’s flirting. If a girl is touching your face and you’re not at the doctor getting a boil examined, it’s flirting. Alternatively we can just rewrite these “unspoken” rules, and I’ll start flicking my hair, giggling and asking for amateur breast exams at every opportunity.

5. You’d be surprised how far a small thoughtful act can go, PLEASE don’t ever make me ask for one. Your mantra is OFFER. OFFER to run me a hot bath/ make dinner/ run to the shops/ take the dog for a walk/ take the trash out/ look after me when I’m sick/ run an errand for me/ shout at someone on my behalf/ surprise me with food I won’t let myself eat/ seduce me and do all the work/ take me home when I look tired or bored… the list is endless if you use logic and maybe a dash of creativity. I think you might find that if you offered just a few small things, we’d nag a whole lot less.

Please. Please. Please. And thank you.

1 comment:

  1. Pleeeeeze boys, read this. I wonder how the cave ladies used to express this :)