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Wednesday, 30 October 2013

One of the Boys

Since the beginning of time every girl has longed to be the recipient of a couple of phrases. Let’s state the obvious: I love you. Let’s move in together. Will you marry me?

But long before that there is: What’s your number? And I’m not talking about switching digits in the traditional sense.

A few weeks ago I was reading the Saturday newspaper (I know, so very grown up) and after I’d caught up on Malema’s latest blunder, done the word search and clenched my knuckles at the on-going e-toll saga I found an article that I liked so much, I read it twice.

The article was titled: “How lots of Kissing helps a girl find Mr Right” and I know you are thinking, Pfft! Typical girl, zoning in on the most Cosmo-style feature amongst hard hitting news stories. I don’t care, I’ll take it.

The article stated that in a recent study at Oxford University (nogal), researchers discovered that kissing allows woman to suss out their potential partners in more ways than you think. I mean obvs if the guy is treating your face like a canvass for his tongue paintbrush, you’re outta there… but I’m talking about chemical compatibility and how collecting more samples, if you will, makes for a more discerning search for Prince Charming.

So really, the more a woman kisses different suitors, the more able she is to find a good match for a lifetime partner. Not only this, but her future relationship choices are far more conditional and focused. Yeah that’s right, all this time you’ve been thinking: Eh What a slapper that one is, when in reality the girl who “kisses around” may make better and more mature decisions when it comes to love and committed relationships.

According to the article, kissing serves three main purposes:

· It helps asses the genetic quality of a potential partner through subconscious readings of taste and smell

· It is used to create arousal (dah, we know that one)

· And it cements bonds in a relationship, keeping a couple together for longer.

The theory goes that because women are created to have children and dedicate a large amount of time raising them, they are more selective when it comes to a potential husband. Research has also shown that women who value the art of kissing are much pickier when it comes to deciphering who The One might be.

This begs the question around an age old inequality: Why is it socially acceptable for men to “sample” many woman, when in actuality it seems that woman have even more of a right to be playing the field, yet get heavily criticized for this behaviour? In the words of Ms Aguilera:

The guy gets all the glory the more he can score, while the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore.

Now that’ll give you something to think about won’t it. Besides, how will you boys ever learn to kiss a girl without experienced smoochers doing a public service in their Varsity years? I’m not talking about myself of course, I was practically a nun. Eh-hem.

So yes, inevitably you are going to ask those dumb numbers questions: how many people have you slept with, how many have you kissed, how many serious relationships, how many one night stands, WHATS YOUR NUMBER? And if a girl is smart, she’ll tell you exactly the truth. Divided by two or three, to take into consideration all those times it totally didn’t count. It’s an unspoken rule amongst woman that there are just so many mitigating factors when it comes to those calculations, for example kissing a girl, doesn’t count. If it only went in once, totally doesn’t count. If it was a charity snog, doesn’t count. And the list goes on…

And yes, inevitably we are going to ask you all those dumb numbers questions: how many times have you had your heart broken, how many relationships have you had, how many times have you been in love, WHATS YOUR NUMBER? And if a guy is smart, he’ll tell you exactly the truth. Multiplied just a few times, to take into consideration many, many extenuating circumstances. For example that time you accidentally touched her boob… that was totes 2nd base. Or when you went in for a frenchy and she pulled back thinking it was just a friendly hello, you tapped that right?

So I guess what I’m saying is that your partners’ history is always going to be somewhat of a mystery, and maybe that’s how it should stay? Physical connection is really just a kind of speed dating, trying to asses a potential mates’… potential. With all that being said, if she’s on your arm, surely she’s sussed out enough subliminal information about you to think you’re alright? Better than alright. You are the lucky chosen genetic match, a cut above all the other idiots she’s kissed before. That’s got to count for somethin

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