Wednesday, 2 October 2013
One of the Boys
A couple of days ago I was rummaging through my high school and varsity scrap books and found a clipping of an article titled: 50 Things She Wishes You Knew. The disintegrating page, next to some old Thunda.com printed pics, ticket stubs and birthday cards, captivated me as I read through a list of familiar wants.
I thought to myself, wouldn’t it be great if you could buy/ download a software that just plugs in to a man’s cerebellum (somehow? We’re still in the brainstorming phase of said idea) and updates him on things that feel completely obvious to us Chiquita’s?
I decided to conduct my own research, online and amongst girlfriends, to put together 25 of my favourites… Here is my list of things we just wish you boys knew.
1. When I’m in love, my previous sexual history is automatically deleted and you, hunk of mine, are fast-tracked to the coveted position of best shag I’ve ever had.
2. I secretly love it when people mistake us for a married couple.
3. My mind is dirtier than you think it is.
4. When you ask about romantic gestures, it’s an immediate love buzz kill. Do you want flowers? Uh. Yes dumbass.
5. When I’m upset, I don’t need a solution… just a hug.
6. You effed up. I seem okay about it. I’m not.
7. I still expect you to court me.
8. When you tell me how you feel about me, I’m floating on a pink fluffy blissful cloud of happiness.
9. I remember e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g
10. My stance on cheating: you’re doing it of you’re doing something you don’t want me to see or know about. PLUS I dump liars. PLUS, even if I can forgive you, can I ever forget what you did? Hmmm. Not likely.
11. A man who knows that oral sex is a crucial part of my sex life, and gives me more than 10 minutes of pleasure…. Is a keeper.
12. Don’t be a punk and string me along – if you’re not into kids, or earning money, or girls, or marriage… put it out there from the start.
13. Show offs that start fights, spend hours talking about themselves or rev their engines at traffic lights are NOT sexy.
14. I’m a woman of the 21st century – it’s impossible to shave my legs every day. Get over it.
15. Am I your bud? No. Am I your cousin? No. So when you introduce me, might be a good idea to mention I’m your girlfriend. Unless, you don’t want people to know and then we got ourselves a problem.
16. When you don’t reply to my text, I transform into a CSI agent and analyse every possible reason why. Are you with someone else? Did I say or do something to make you upset? Are you playing me?
17. I suffer from a recurring affliction called The Insecures.
18. I love it when you listen but I also want to feel like you get what I’m saying, especially when we are trying to work through an issue in our relationship.
19. I really do like it slow, s.l.o.w. – take your version of slow and then go slower. For longer.
20. I like that you want to use a condom – it means you care about yourself, and me.
21. Ask me… what I like in bed, how I feel, where I’ll be in 5 years, what cut of ring I like, what my favourite wine is. Just ask.
22. I’m right. 99 percent of the time.
23. Let me make this clear: if I am wearing lingerie (underwear that is sexy, see through, lacy, usually comes in the form of corsets, suspenders, stockings) I’m trying to seduce you. Do me a favour and play along, even if you feel awkward or embarrassed at first.
24. Those grey tracksuit pants are a HUGE turn on.
25. The only person allowed to talk smack about my family and friends is me.
So there you have it!
I’m pretty sure there is a long list of things you wish WE knew… wanna tell me about it? Email me on firstname.lastname@example.org and if I get enough good ones, I’ll put them up!