Hey Phat Ass
Amongst my list of secret indulgences, Saturday Night Series Watching is wayyyy up there, somewhere between Smashing a can of Garlic Stuffed Olives and Trawling Through Charity Shops and Second Hand Stores. Recently I discovered a show called Up all Night, about a couple who’s party animal lifestyle has come to a halt with the arrival of a new born baby. I was bent over giggling when I watched a scene where the husband tries to discretely comment on the wife’s sloppy appearance – a trade in of lingerie for yoga pants and loose tops. Suffice to say, it didn’t go down all that well.
I thought I might bring to light some education on the topic, from the female perspective if you will. First of all, do you remember in primary school when we all had to watch those awkward and embarrassing edutainment TV programs on Stranger Danger and Public Indecency? I will never forget the theme song:
“My body’s nobody’s body but mine. You’ve got your own body, let me have mine.”
It’s cheesy. It’s infantile. However, it’s true. And so damn catchy!
This is my body. With all its beauty and all its flaws. My thick legs, that can JUST fit into a size 14, have carried me through heartache, pain, happiness, disappointment and a mountain of challenges. They are strong. It’s up to me how I want to shape this outward vessel. I do not need a home improvement committee to debate on how I should go about maintaining or improving my body. I do not need a personal trainer, a nutritionist, a dietician or a health guru in place of my boyfriend, lover or husband for that matter. I have lived and learnt from this frame for 27 years, so if there’s an expert in the building – it’s me. What I do need, is someone who will love me unconditionally and encourage my happiness. I need to feel cherished, beautiful and appreciated... when I have these things; it’s a lot more motivating to take care of myself, inside and out.
So what’s the deal with chicks and food for fuck sake? I’m sure you are wondering. And that’s completely understandable – we are wired completely differently. For most women, food is a way to nourish and comfort ourselves. It’s a constant in a very volatile and unstable world. We eat when we are happy, sad, lonely, celebrating, hibernating and exacerbating. It’s emotional, plain and simple. So when things aren’t so lekker... maybe we’ve gone through a big change, we’ve lost someone, we’re trying to cope with issues that we have no way of solving, food is sometimes the way we push all that stress down (literally). Hey, some people dabble in dwelms, some blow off steam at gym; some spend thousands of Rands pimping out their cars – each to his/her own right? EXACTLY
So what’s a dude to do when the lady lumps start getting a little cray cray? Fokol. Love and support, a constant ear to listen and patience are your best friends in this situation and will probably give your gal a sense of trust and new found motivation. Who doesn’t want to look smoking hot for a guy who makes you feel that way all the time? Criticism, sarcastic remarks and plain old dick-headness is going to get your ass replaced, or kicked to the curb... eventually. Here are my top 5 comments that will get you on track:
“I don’t know why, but when you work out... I literally get a semi. You are such a hottie.”
“I love you, just the way you are.”
“You know who I’d put on my celeb shag list? Beyonce, Jennifer Lopez and Christina Hendricks.”
“Have you heard of sex-aerobics?”
“If you ever want to talk about what stress you’re carrying, I’m a great listener.”
Tadah! And on one last note: If you can’t get your head around a few extra kg’s, that pair of baggy pants, no make up Sundays and the occasional bad hair scenario, perhaps you’re with the wrong person. Maybe you should date someone perfect, and see how that works out.
That’s a wrap!
It’s almost the end of the year, which means everywhere you look... red, white, green and gold. Christmas is on its way. Keep posted, next month I’m going to do some kiff gifting ideas to give the girls... but I know LONG term memory is maybe not your strong point. So this month I wanted to say that chucking a soap-on-a-rope in a cardboard bag and scribbling a message on it, is no way to treat a lady. Start thinking of cool ways to present your present (pun intented). Maybe it’s a scavenger hunt to find a few small gifts, maybe the card has a sentimental poem or quote in it, maybe you wrap it in some funky/ funny paper (The Space in Rosebank or Exclusive Books are my fave suppliers) or maybe you want to do something really classy and traditional. They key here is THOUGHT and TIME. Go check out Flowerspot in Woodmead – they literally have EVERYthing you could need for wrapping and decorating a prezzie.
A candle lit picnic on the floor of your room
A trip to the planetarium
Hire a row boat at Zoo Lake
Read the paper together at a park
Sneak in a quickie at the Public Library – Just kidding! Or am I? I think they have cameras... ooh, that’s hot.
Between The Sheets in October
DO: Take advantage of the warm weather and have some pool fun! Especially if you can find one with conveniently placed water shoot. Try get in some foreplay time before you get into the water, as it tends to cool us down in all the wrong places if you know what I mean.
DON’T: Put ice up there. Maybe its personal preference but that stuff is like... fu-cking cold. Cold is not what you want. Maybe keep the ice philandering to kissing and nipple play.