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Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Spit or Swallow

Readers be warned… this is not for those of you who button your blouses all the way to the top. For all you fella's that blush when someone says the F word. For anyone who thinks talking dirty is discussing laundry detergents. This one’s not for you… nor is it for anyone I want to still think I’m sweet, innocent and perfect in every way. Which I am… I just call it like I see it.  

Spit or Swallow

Yeah. They don’t tell you about that in the brochure of love making do they? Sometimes I wonder what this brochure that “they” put together would look like. I picture a fireplace, abstract shots of naked bodies (you know, a kiss on a collarbone, cliche stuff like that), champagne on ice, a rose knocked off the bedside table.  Eugh, really? I’d very much like to take over the role as Art Director for this particular brochure. Mine would look something like this: a pair of pants around one ankle, a 500 ml Energade perched next to a stack of condoms, and a 50’s style cartoon with a speech bubble reading : “Oh fuck, I’ve forgotten the safety word”. This is what I do these days; invent job descriptions that don’t exist.

So… Semen.

Do you know that there are +- 28 – I wanna say ingredients but that’s silly – chemicals in the stuff. In the pro’s column we have Zinc, Magnesium, Calcium and Vit B12 (And they ask me how I get all my vitamins as a vegetarian, pfft. I’m kidding... of course). On the con side there’s things like Ash (wtf?), Urea and Cholesterol. We’ve all heard the rumours about it making your skin smoother and giving you a good dose of protein. Seems there are some compelling arguments on the topic. Here is mine:

The term “spit or swallow” came about at a time in my life when many gross and inappropriate euphemisms were winding their way into my vocab. The wonderful years of sexual angst, teenage curiosity and experimentation. But to this very day I have not been able to wrap my head around this idea. Let’s go through it logically shall we? So you’re down there, face in crotch doing the penis in mouth mambo. You’ve spent the last 20 minutes or so with your teeth digging into your upper lip, trying to make a Job look likea glamorous ordeal when really we all know what a task it can be don’t we girls? Holler. I digress… so you’re there, and the moment of sumptuous insemination occurs. In. Your. Mouth. Are you really telling me that there are people who will get up and trot all the way to the bathroom (assuming there is one and you are having conventional foreplay in an actual bedroom) with – not to sound crude but we’re already down the rabbit hole – warm jizz in their mouth? Only to spit it out? Who are these girls?

Now I’m not saying one should do shots of DNA like it’s Tequila Tuesday. No No. Especially if your man has a braai diet consisting mostly of beer and boerewors, which in my opinion… can at times produce spunk that’s even harder to get down with a straight face than the previously mentioned Tequila shot. I’m just looking at the situation logically… it’s in there already, contraversial maybe but I say “Knock it back sister!” And perhaps give your man a few extra items for his grocery list that may help your situation:

As I sit here… how do I put it, taking a trip down memory lane, I can’t help but cringe at all the “short cummings” I’ve experienced in the bedroom, not just in those early self-conscious years of fumbling around clueless like a blind person trying to find the ripest avo on the grocery shelf. I’m talking about all the way up into my 20’s because let’s face it… sex, cough cough, I mean the art of love making…. Can be tricky can’t it?

As a woman I am learning that it all comes down to communication, something the female of the species is supposed to be superb at. And we are… to our girlfriends over coffee when we’re emoting about, well everything. Or to our beau’s when we have a bottle of Champers and verbally vomit how much we love them, want their babies and secretly watch them when their sleeping imagining never sleeping next to anyone else again, ever. Or to our shrinks. Or our mothers… aren’t they really the same person most of the time? But between the sheets, we often find ourselves with a mouth full of….. Teeth. Have we made communicating what it is we want in bed as taboo as the topic of semen ingestion? Do we mostly swallow what it is that we want, our deepest sexual desires, instead of spitting them out to be realized? I’m sure we all wish it was as simple as adding a few exotic fruits and spices onto our grocery list every month. Maybe it's time we started making verbalization our parsley, conversation our pineapple juice and include a daily dose of honesty in place of wheatgrass.

Or maybe we can passively wait until they invent a GPS for this kind of thing or make intimacy training as compulsory like serving your time in the army. Thats a long time to go sans orgasm.

To spit or to swallow… that is the question? It’s taken me a long time to realize that while a little shot of zinc a day may keep my skin glowing, prevent cancer (yes, seriously – ask Wikipedia), and increase fertility ( I know… crazy right), swallowing my thoughts and emotions has zero health benefits. For any of the parties involved.

So call me crass, call me crazy (I get that a lot actually), call me a courtesan if you will… But sometimes it’s better to just spit it out.  


  1. Mmm I think I'll leave this to everyone else to comment on, except to say I love an independent woman who knows what she wants :)

  2. lmao! Um... I wanna comment but...maybe I should go anonymous?


    I do agree that some men taste better than's very weird and also a horrible surprise when u get a bad "batch". Then, yes, you must spit ;)